Gue suka bingung nih, mau nulis apa untuk di mana. Suka lupa. Awalnya semangat nulis, di kepala melompat-lompat lusinan gerutuan minta dikeluarkan. Tapi, dasar komputer lelet. Begitu blogger kebuka, eh malah lupa.

Tapi, mungkin bagus juga begitu. Jadi gue gak kebanyakan ngedumel. Nanti, kalo kebanyakan ngomel, mengundang keriput di wajah. Terus, kalo mo ngilanginnya mesti pake krim wajah yang harganya berjuta-juta itu. Widiiiiih.... Lucu juga yah betapa orang berusaha mati-matian melawan waktu, yang tentu saja akan sia-sia.

Ah, ngomong soal waktu aja deh. Betapa waktu berjalan dan orang sering menganggap saat ini adalah yang terpenting.

Iya, belakangan ini gue lagi digodain ma temen-temen kantor. Gara-gara mereka sekarang kenal sama fans berat gue semasa di kampus. Ternyata, fans berat ini sekarang dah jadi anggota DPR dengan posisi mentereng di partai politiknya. Tampilannya gak kucel lagi dong, maklum kan ada tunjangan pakaian (waduuuh, pasti ada duit gue juga tuh di situ). So called "teman-teman" ini meledek gue terus, seolah-olah penolakan gue duluu adalah hal yang salah. As if gue rugi banget gak jadi istri anggota DPR. (Bo, istri doang geto loh, atributif banget gak seeeh!). Mereka bilang, "Wah, rugi lo, sekarang dia pakenya nissan terrano. Sekarang dia dah jadi orang besar lho!"

Hmmm... apa hubungannya nissan terano sama orang besar? That's the big question. Gue tanya ke teman-teman, "Oh, jadi begitu ya definisi orang besar? Punya rumah magrong-magrong dan mobil mentereng, terus clubbing terus tiap malam?" Mungkin aja sih mereka memang cuma bercanda. Tapi candaan itu cermin orang Indonesia banget gitu loh. It's the tip of the iceberg, pars pro toto. Terus, kok suudzon banget sih ama gue, as if gue dulu nolak karena dia miskin. (Emang laki gue sekarang kaya raya apa?)

Kalo emang harta ukurannya, berarti Eddy Tansil, Marimutu brothers, Tommy Soeharto itu betul-betul orang besar? Lha, kenapa banyakan orang yang nyumpahin mereka ketimbang yang doain? Kalo jabatan jadi ukuran, bukankah banyak jabatan bisa dibeli juga diberi? Oke deh, ada orang yang susah payah sekolah dan kerja keras untuk mencapai posisi tertentu. Usaha sendiri, pol! But then again, apa sih manfaatnya posisi yang dia punya, jabatan dia, untuk orang banyak?

Buat gue, itu yang matters. Manfaat buat orang banyak. Mendiang Romo Mangun gak pernah punya mobil kali. Dan tinggalnya, konon, di rumah kayu aja. Tapi lihat waktu dia meninggal, banyak banget yang nganterin, banyak banget yang merasa kehilangan. Gus Mus (Mustofa Bisri) juga tidur di atas kasur biasa, bukan yang lateks dunlopillo ato King Koil. Rumahnya separo dari kayu. Tapi coba deh dateng ke kota itu, tanya jalan menuju rumahnya ke tukang2 becak yang berjejer. Begitu tau kita mau ke Gus Mus, tu tukang becak bakal melayani kita dengan ramah, gak minta bayaran macem-macem, dijamin nyampe. Nah, begitu sampe di Gus Mus, ajakin aja ngobrol. Ngerti deh elo betapa dia telah banyak memberi manfaat buat orang di sekelilingnya.

Gue gak mau munafik, harta emang perlu. Gimana mau nolong orang kalo diri sendiri lagi tenggelam. Tapi, ibarat kita tenggelam kan yang paling kita butuhkan adalah pelampung. Bukan perahu canggih yang isinya lengkap. Saat tenggelam pelampung lebih penting, lebih penting lagi kemampuan berenang. Nah, gue rasa gue dah punya kemampuan plus pelampung itu. Gue gak nyusahin orang lain. Gak ngambil hak orang lain. Syukur alhamdulillah deh basic needs gue terpenuhi. Gak perlu diomongin kan rumah, kendaraan, atau harta gue apa dan seberapa. (Kecuali buku, since gue nganggep buku adalah my most precious things. Kalo buku gue malah seneng sharing, gpp kan? Banyak manfaatnya lho.)

Nah, suatu kali gue cerita ke "alter ego" soal beginian. Terus dia malah balik ngasih teka-teki ke gue. "Apa yang paling dekat dengan manusia, dan yang paling jauh?" Mau tau jawabnya? Yang paling dekat itu maut. Mau lo sekaya apa, bisa liburan di eropa tiap bulan, bisa nyewa dokter termahal dan rumah sakit terbesar, elo gak bisa sembunyi dari maut. Dan tau yang paling jauh itu apa? Masa lalu. Meski baru seminggu lalu, kemarin, beberapa jam lalu, kalo dah lewat ya lo gak bisa balik lagi. Sekaya apa pun elo.

kumulai hari-hari bersamamu
dengan akad, putih dan laras
kau dan aku akan selalu rindu
mawadah di setiap nafas

tuhan membuat kita berpelukan
kita berpelukan dalam tuhan
dua nafsi, dua nafsu
selaut rindu, satu syamsu

tentu, kita akan terluka; itulah cinta
berjanjilah, kita selalu tersenyum, dan berdoa
kau dan aku akan selalu rindu
maka mulialah hari-hari bersamamu!

(Hikmat Darmawan, Lorong, Januari 2002)

What A Wonderful World

How r u ev'rybody!
Sitting alone in my room at four o'clock at dawn, typing while listening to Louis Armstrong, what a wonderful world! It is indeed. Not only that I have just got back from my --or rather, ehm, our-- sabatical leaves, spending my time alone with my beloved one, honeymooning for the umpteenth time (luv ya, babe!), nor because it's payday time, or for my brand new bicycles (yes, bicycles, I've two of them!).

On the contrary, I feel so lucky after a series of unluckiness. It started yesterday, the very first day I got back to the office. I got a heleboel, meaning piles and piles, of work on my desk! *sigh* OKeeee... I said, smiling almost grinning. Then I got called for a meeting. A rreeeaaalllyy unimportant meeting, only wasting my time, because we actually talked about... nothing!!! Zipp, zerooo.... Big OOOO! Wanna know how long? for 4 hours, FOUR, 240 minutes losing my time!

But oke, I still could smile. There's no way a first day at the office could replace my full honeyweek just like that. But then, a friend of mine called me from Belgium. She's having trouble with her thesis, she said. Hmm... that's really none of my business. Then I thought, oke I might be able helping her. But, to me, she seems to asking too much. I just don't wanna talk about this here.

And then, another thing happened. I didn't get paid for something I'd done. I don't know why, my bank account was geblokkeerd somehow. Have no idea at all. And my card broke in two. It meant I had to ask for money to my hubby. It was eight in the evening, I hadn't had dinner, of course I was starving. Still, I kept smiling.

And then another news, and another news, and another thing happened. It seems God and I were fighting, having a competition to break each other's heart. *Dear God, listen, don't do that to me again, puhleeaase?* And I lost, I couldn't smile any longer. What do you expect? It was "a series of unfortunate events".

I got home broke, mad, and starving to death. It was only one step to soar and roar and killing people, I guess. I was so mad that I could barely speak. *Well, typical of me* My hubby asked me to go to bed, and I did... with my eyes wide open :P. Knowing that I couldn't possibly sleep in that condition, I went to do my night prayer and having another round with Him.

I went back to bed, a bit satisfied, but still wide open. And suddenly, he opened his eyes, staring at me, smiling. He kissed me and held me tight. He asked me to be patient and he held me all night long. And at that time I realized that God was just teasing me. He was just like to have fun with me, maybe it's a kind of His way to have a personal communication. Then I started to smile too. That night, I went to sleep feeling satisfied.

cukup jika
senyummu adalah senyummu
maka gelas kembali gelas
anggur semakin anggur.
(Cinta dalam Dunia Virtual, Hikmat Darmawan, 2000)

This morning, I woke up feeling wonderful. Started my day happy. Amazingly, repeated good things happened to me today. And I end up this day with a very wonderful song: What A Wonderful World!

"PANDANUS KRITIKUS"

Eits, jangan salah! Ini bukan nama lainnya daun pandan. Ini filsafat hidup gue yang baru gue rumuskan sekitar 4 menit 55 detik lalu. Waktu posting di blog gue yang satunya: antje.blogspot.com (buseeeet... doyan blogging yak? Sampe dua gitu blognya, gak keurus pula!)

Buat gue, mempengaruhi orang ternyata lebih penting dari bergaji besar (walopun gue gak nolak seh :P). Iya, gue pengen keberadaan gue mempengaruhi orang sekitar. Kayak daun pandan gitu lah. Kalo lo bikin bubur sumsum ato kolak kan ngasih daun pandan gak sama pohon-pohonnya kan? Paling dua lembar doang udah harum deh tu masakan. Nah, gue pengen gitu juga. Biar gue cuma kecil gini, pengaruh gue besoaaaAAARRR hahahaha.....

HUSSSH......
Nah, tapi gue gak cuma ada untuk numpang harum doang. Gue harus bisa mengkritisi keadaan di sekitar. Gue mesti kritis sama pemikiran orang, pendapat orang, nasihat orang. Gak boleh nerima gitu aja pemikiran tak berdasar tanpa data. Begitu.....

Maka, kedua kata itu gue gabung, dan jadilah Pandanus Kritikus. Keren nggak? (enggak ya? ye maap!)

A BIT ABOUT ME, a bit true... haha

about my IQ

Your Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means you are gifted at spotting patterns —both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction —especially in the workplace. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

about my Personality

You're an Observer! -- That means you're one of the more kind-hearted people around. You are unusually intuitive, and you probably understand yourself, as well as others. That also means you're a good mediator — though you may prefer to spend more quiet time on your own than most. Because of the self-knowledge you already possess, you are better equipped than many to steer your life in the right direction. Understanding more about the components of your personality will reveal unique information that even people like you might not realize. And the better you know yourself, the more confident you'll be making decisions that affect your life. How do we know this about you? Because while taking the test, you answered questions that measure the basic traits that make up your personality. We scored your answers on different personality characteristics and discovered not only that you're an Observer, but where you stand on those proven scientific scales.

about my Brain

you are Balanced-brained -- That means you are able to draw on the strengths of both the right and left hemispheres of your brain, depending upon a given situation. When you need to explain a complicated process to someone, or plan a detailed vacation, the left hemisphere of your brain, which is responsible for your ability to solve problems logically, might kick in. But if you were critiquing an art opening or coming up with an original way to file papers, the right side of your brain, which is responsible for noticing subtle details in things, might take over. While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker. The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways.

about my Comfort Zone

Close Compadre! -- You really know how to connect with friends when you're one-on-one. Flitting from place to place isn't your style. Why waste time when you could be spending it with a good pal, or two, or three? Quaint cafés, old-school restaurants, the perfect bar stools at the corner bar — they're all great places for good food, fun, and conversation. Sure, there are times to fight the crowds at a sweltering party. But you'd probably rather spend time talking about the deeper issues in life and developing the kind of connections with friends that last a lifetime. After all, isn't that what friends like you are for? Should we find you at a large party, we'd bet that you'd be the one chatting to someone on the couch or hitting the dance floor with your good friends. We'd also guess, though, that you'd prefer to be at a smaller gathering with your close crew of friends. Spending quality time with your clan is key for you whether that involves playing board games, talking until dawn, or just hanging out.

that's partly true.

My Test

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CAREER PATH TEST

The right jobs for you would allow you to be Creative and Analytical

You're a visionary in many people's eyes — able to think outside of the box to come up with your own solutions. You're creative not necessarily in the artistic sense, but because you can expand your mind to do things differently from others.It might take a while for colleagues to recognize and reward for your entrepreneurial spirit and abilities. That could be because they envy you, or because they find your ideas slightly rebellious — willing to go against the current. All in all, you make it hard for people to pigeon hole you. That is why you, more than others, need a job that allows you to play to your strengths, break out of the mold, and truly excel.

(sigh..... who'd give me such job????)

===============

INKBLOT TEST

Your subconscious mind is driven most by Reserve

You approach the world with reserve because unconsciously, and perhaps consciously, you like to be in control. You keep your emotions to yourself and you may seem mysterious or enigmatic to others.You're often very cautious about truly expressing yourself. Even people who have known you for some time may find it hard to get close to you. Your psyche is very deep and rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

(I don't really understand this test, actually. I mean, so what? Is it for real?)
=============

Zodiac Match for your personality is Taurus

Taurus, the Bull (April 21 to May 21): This warmhearted and determined partner is just your type. Initially, a Taurus may catch your eye with a romantic gesture or their penchant for having a good time. But as you get to know them, you're even more likely to be drawn to your Taurean's unwavering devotion and dedication. People born under this sign typically know what they want out of life and stick by the decisions they've made. This devotion to their own truths can make members of this sign seem stubborn or critical at times. However, know that most Taureans are also sentimental types who like to focus on their romantic relationships. In the bedroom, you're apt to find that the Bull is a creative and expressive lover with a high sex drive. It's just another aspect of their vital nature, one that finds pleasure in everyday things and has an eye for beauty.

(Never in my life have I met a taurean. Never! I had dated a leo, scorpion, cancer, gemini, and others but taurean. Hey, Taurus, where have you been?)

Another Test

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http://web.tickle.com/tests/standard/leader_result.jsp?where=result&test=leader

ARE YOU A NATURAL LEADER?

Total -- Congratulations, you're a real leader! Your leadership skills are quite strong, so don't be afraid to step up to the plate when problems need solving — you'll do great. You've got a solid combination of positive leadership traits — from organizational skills to communication ability. These talents make you a great resource in the workplace, someone people can look to for guidance and direction. Still, there are a few things you might need to work on. To brush up on the different components of leadership, check out your scores below:

Organization -- Order! Order! Your strong organizational skills make you an excellent candidate for success as a leader. Your talent for keeping everything in the right place means that you can concentrate on more important tasks. And once you've organized your workplace, your overall productivity increases by leaps and bounds.

Efficiency -- Do it once, and make it count! Since you're the poster child for workplace efficiency and follow-through, that could be your motto. You have a keen understanding of how work works, and you know how to make things happen — which translates into excellent leadership potential. While others are still spinning their wheels, you've sped off, leaving skid marks behind you.

Teamwork -- Go, team, go! Your sense of teamwork is so strong you're practically out on the field doing cheers. Which is great — the ability to communicate and work closely with others is essential to good leadership. Team-building skills are the foundation of all interactions with your co-workers and can set the tone at work. So give yourself a pat on the back — your talent in this area gives you a real leadership edge.

Confidence -- You could use a confidence boost! To move forward at work, it's essential that you be able to take on new roles and responsibilities. When you feel sure of yourself, you can concentrate on the task at hand instead of just worrying about potential failures. Keep all your strengths in mind, and use them to your advantage.

Steve Jobs

Stay hungry, stay foolish! Slogan ini jadi ngetop lagi gara-gara Steve Jobs ngasih pidato kelulusan di Stanford Univ. Padahal, Steve Jobs juga ngutip dari "bible"-nya generasi bunga, The Whole Earth Catalog. However, ternyata slogan itu masih sesuai dipakai sama generasi sekarang.

Well, buat banyak orang, lapar dan bodoh adalah monster seram yang harus dijauhkan. Tapi, buat orang-orang yang kreatif dan kritis, lapar dan bodoh bisa jadi bahan bakar menakjubkan lho. Gara-gara lapar, mereka makin terpacu memutar otak agar mengatasi lapar. Karena merasakan tidak enaknya lapar, mereka ingin semua juga tidak lapar.

Iya, bener lho. Gue lagi serius nih. Karena kelaparan itulah, Steve Jobs akhirnya bikin Apple. Bermodal dua dolar, dia bikin usaha komputer bareng Woz. Usianya baru 20 tahun ketika itu, baru drop out dari universitas. Dia bukannya gak bisa minta makan ke ortu --secara dia anak tunggal gitu loh, apa sih yang enggak dikasih. Sebaliknya, dia DO karena malu minta ke ortu, dia lapar karena malu sama ortu. Dia malu, mungkin cenderung kasihan, sama ortu yang banting tulang siang-malam cuma untuk dirinya.

Ada lagi Stewart Brand, pencipta The Whole Earth. Walaupun dia bilang "tetep laper dan tetep bodo", bukan maksud orang harus busung laper gitu bo. Dia malah gak tega ada ketimpangan sosial dalam masyarakat. Njomplang antara yang kaya sama yang miskin. Dia yakin betul kalo obat dari segala kemiskinan (ergo: kelaparan) dan kejahatan adalah pendidikan. Makanya, dia putar otak supaya semua bisa punya akses ke pendidikan n teknologi. "Access to tools" akhirnya jadi mission statements dari tabloid miliknya.

Banyak lagi sih yang gue tahu, punya pikiran begitu. Gue, sebetulnya, juga pengen banget jadi Steve Jobs, Stewart Brand, atawa Michael Hart. Semua jadi tokoh karena mikirin orang banyak sih. (Eh, untuk Steve Jobs harus diselidiki lebih dalam kali, secara bule teman gue yang 20 tahun di IBM dan pernah kerja bareng Jobs di Amrik sana sebel banget kalo gue bilang Jobs amazing.) Tapi tetep aja, gue pengen jadi pandan (ini filsafat gue sekarang, pandanus kritikus, keren kan ^--^).

Yen tak pikir-pikir, itu kali alasannya kita disuruh puasa ya?